Unconditional

          I opened the boys' bedroom door softly and tiptoed into the darkened room. I had been drinking my morning coffee and relishing some alone time with the Lord when I heard the familiar sound of Ely's soft voice singing in his bed. The sound of my boys' tiny little voices letting me know when they are awake in the morning is one of those things I will remember fondly and my heart will truly ache for when they are grown up and have moved out to start families of their own.



        I went to Elyas' bed first seeing as how he was sitting up and Ephraim was still laying down. I reached down to him and he immediately stood up and climbed into my arms. This is our usual morning ritual. I always try to remember to give them hugs and kisses before they even hit the floor, as I believe it is very important to start the day off feeling loved. Normally, being the bouncy, energetic toddlers they are, they immediately try to squirm out of my grasp and run head long into the day. This morning, however, when I picked up Elyas he neither squirmed nor tried to break free. Instead, he laid his little head on my shoulder and released the full weight of his body into my arms. Completely at rest and completely trusting me to hold him up. He could have been fast asleep if I didn't know any better.

 

         This was such a rare treat to me as I feel like I am always chasing these little bundles of energy around trying to steal just one more minute of snuggle time, just one more kiss. And they are always trying to get away. Sitting still for my boys probably feels similar to what kryptonite felt like for Superman. This morning, though, I was blessed with a special gift. The funny thing is I didn't realize how precious the feeling of them in my arms was or how much I was missing it until that moment. Sure, I pick them up a hundred times a day. But since they developed their own internal sources of renewable energy it's never without them attempting to get away.

        As I stood there holding my baby boy I thought to myself, I wonder if this is how Jesus wants us to lean on Him? The answer came to my heart quickly and without delay - Yes! Ephesians 6:10 tells us to be strong in the strength of His might. Philippians 4:13 says we can do all things through Christ, who strengthens us. We are meant to trust in and rely completely on the Lord - not ourselves! 

         To reiterate this truth, on a few recent nights I have found Elyas not in bed where he was supposed to be but, instead, playing with his trains on the floor in the dark. I didn't know why at the time but it just completely broke my heart and gave birth to such pity for my precious baby boy. To see him so consumed with playing with those toys that he was willing to sit on the cold floor in the dark, instead of warm in his bed, and play all by himself....I just can't describe the love and pity and compassion it gave me for him. I couldn't even bring myself to reprimand him sharply like I normally would have. Instead, all I could do was gently take the trains from him, scoop him up in my arms, and tuck him back in bed. 

         It might sound crazy to some but I believe the Lord, through this experience, was showing me the kind of love He has for us. He sees us through eyes of love. The eyes of a parent. He sees our sin and takes pity on us because of that love. He knows we are desperately flawed. He knows that sometimes we are even a danger to our own physical, emotional, and spiritual well-being. And that is why He not only died for us to reconcile us to Himself, but also was raised again to life on the third day so that He can guide us, mature us, love us, protect us. Romans 5:10 speaks of this.

          I think sometimes it can be hard to trust in the Lord not because He is untrustworthy (by no means!) but because of our own sin. The enemy uses our mistakes and shortcomings against us so that we ask the question, How can Jesus possibly love someone like me? He shouts our sins in our face and glaringly illuminates our flaws so that we are unable to see past our own imperfections to the indestructible and unfailing love of God. He is a murderer and, therefore, loves to kill and destroy. Have you ever seen those cartoons with the person wrestling with a decision and a devil is on one shoulder talking in their ear while the angel is on the other side? Those cartoons are not too far off. Satan stands right in our ear and hopes if he talks loudly enough we won't hear the voice on the other shoulder.
       
       The one problem with that is that our Angel, the Spirit of the Lord Jesus, does not merely whisper in our ear and hope we will hear it. He speaks directly to our hearts. Where, even if we don't recognize it at first because of all the other "noise" around, it will burrow deep into the soil and take root. He makes sure the job gets done!

Father, I thank You for being so wise and loving. Thank You for having such pity and compassion for me in my sin. I pray that, by Your Spirit, You will teach me to become more mature - less like me and more like You. Dear Savior, please take any "toys" from my hand that might be keeping me from resting safe and warm in the "bed" of Your everlasting arms. Amen.

Love

     So often I believe the enemy's lie that I am a bad mom, a terrible person, because the feeling of love - of total adoration - does not always come easy for me as a mom of three-year-old boys. Sometimes I have to cultivate that love-feeling by remembering they are a gift from the hand of my loving Creator. By remembering their good qualities in the midst of temper tantrums. By asking for a "huggie" or "kissie" when I honestly don't even want to look at them. And sometimes I have to get on my knees and beg for that feeling. For just one shimmering glimpse through the eyes with which I used to see them when they were infants (before they developed their own will). Through the eyes of their loving Creator.

     And, honestly, it makes me feel like the worst mom e-v-e-r! But I believe that is a lie of the enemy himself. You see, if love were this super easy thing that humans could just feel (and act on) whenever they should, I don't think God would have had to reiterate it so many times throughout the bible. Over and over again He reminds us to love one another - even when we do not feel loved by the other person. 1 Corinthians 14:1 tells us to "pursue love".  In chapter 13, Paul actually describes what true, unconditional love looks like. It is patient, kind, not arrogant or jealous and - most important to me at this stage in my life - is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered and bears all things. Hmm...I wonder why the Lord would feel the need to inspire such a detailed account of true, Godly love. Perhaps because He knows the heart of man?

     There are many more places in the bible where the author (inspired by the Holy Spirit) reminds and challenges us to love. Leviticus 19:18, Deuteronomy 10:19, John 15:12 and Romans 13:8 are all wonderful examples of God's messengers emboldening and encouraging us to love the Lord and love His people. And there are tons more too! The New Testament is woven intricately together with charges to and descriptions of love. Not the way the world loves but the way God loves. The way Jesus loved on that cross.

 

     I believe the Lord knows the human heart and how difficult it can be for us at times. It is so easy for the Holy Spirit's call to love, forgive, and have compassion on to be drowned out by our own pride's call to contend, turn away from and get revenge on. That's why the bible tells us over and over again to pursue love. To put on kindness and compassion (Colassians 3:12). To love our enemies and do good to those who hate us (Luke 6:27). Not to mention all the places where God's beautiful and perfect love for us is described. You know, come to think of it - I can name countless places in the bible where He reminds us to love Him with all our heart and souls, love others and put them before ourselves, and just how great His love for us is. I cannot, however, remember ever reading in the bible a reminder to love myself. Why? Probably because the sinful heart of man needs no reminder to love himself. We do, however, need plenty of reminders to forget about ourselves and put others first! (I know I do, anyway.)

 

     So often we need to look past our feelings and emotions and focus on the word of God. We must learn to tear down - thought by thought and emotion by emotion - the lies satan sells us. "If you don't feel love you don't have to show it" he says. "If you don't feel the love," he lies, "there must not be any in your heart." I can't even tell you how many times I have heard this one - "You should just give up and succumb to your anger." However, I learned something today, as I looked at my child who had just gotten done throwing one of his many temper tantrums of the day. Unlike my fit-throwing little cherub, I don't have to let my emotions boss me around. I can look at my child (or any other person for that matter) faults and all and make the conscience decision to show love to them regardless of how badly they are behaving. (Like I'm such an angel myself!) The amazing thing is this: if I make that decision in my head, the Lord will honor it in my heart. 

     You see, that is what He wants. He doesn't expect His children to be perfect all the time. In fact, He is unscathed and unmiffed (unlike us) when we make the same mistake for the one hundredth time. (Try having that kind of patience with your children!) But He does want us to mature and grow to a point where we say, "Yes Lord! I will follow Your way and not my own!" To be driven less and less by our heart of emotions (which, by the way, will lie to us) and more and more by the desire to obey Him. 

     And like a child who knows not what is best for her (but thinks she does) I will certainly come back to this place again where I am struggling to "feel" the love in my heart for my children. Probably tomorrow when they have spilled their third drink of the day on my just-cleaned kitchen floor or after I've told them (in my nicest mommy voice) for the seventh time to sit on the couch so I can put their shoes on or when they are throwing a royal fit complete with limp bodies laying on the floor and high-pitched wailing because I've told them it's nap time.

 

 

     But what I'm learning more and more lately is that love - true, unconditional love - is about 30% "feeling" and 70% decision. Because eventually that new baby smell and post pregnancy hormones are going to fade away. Eventually the excitement of the new romance and first date flush will disappear. And then what are you left with? A true, 100% raw version of the edited fairy tale you had made up in your head. A real person, unique with all sorts of flaws and quirks and special qualities and talents instilled by the Lord's own hand. That's when you get to make the beautiful decision of loving that person anyway. (Because let's not forget about our own logs!)

     You see, the Lord is teaching me one very special thing about love. True love - Godly love - is more than butterflies in your stomach or a desire to be near EVERY waking moment. It is crying when your loved one is crying. It is rejoicing when he (or she) is rejoicing. It is offering your silent presence when there are no words to say. It is swallowing your pride even when you know you are right. It is enduring heartache and hurt even when you don't deserve it. And, in it's ugliest and most beautiful state, it is staying when all you want to do is leave. Love is more than just a feeling - it's an action. After all, wasn't it pure, holy love when Jesus made the decision to leave His heavenly home and come to dwell among us here in this sin-ridden world? Wasn't it perfect, unconditional love when He chose to stay up on that cross, beaten and broken, and suffer death so that we might live?

            When I think about that, choosing to show my children love in action - even when they are screaming in the middle of Walmart and e-v-e-r-y one is staring at me - doesn't seem like such an impossible task.

 

 

"Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things." 1 Corinthians 13:4-7

 

Hope and Patience

     Well it has been SUPER long since I last wrote and so I decided it was time. The Lord is being faithful (as always) to lead me into a deeper and stronger connection with Him and I feel that I need to write it down.

     The other day I was (I believe) under attack from the enemy. I didn't realize it while in the thick of it but later that day I just had this picture in my mind of all these thoughts bombarding and attacking me like little mini kamikaze planes at my head. It was weird but He knew it was exactly the picture I needed to make sense of it. Anyway, I was calling out to Jesus because I knew these thoughts were not only wrong but also not my own. However, I kept thinking that He was ignoring me. As much as I pleaded with Him for help He just stayed silent! I knew even this thought was wrong but couldn't shake it. Yep. I was being driven and pushed around by my emotions. Oh, how I am growing to dislike that word.

     I talked to a very dear friend and mentor later and she really helped me. She said to speak the Word (out loud!) in those moments when I am being attacked and keep speaking it.

     "Even if I don't believe it right then?" I said.

     "Absolutely!" she said. "You don't believe it because you don't feel it." Doesn't make His word any less true. What then? If some did not believe, their unbelief will not nullify the faithfulness of God, will it? (Romans 3:3) She also said to ask God what He wanted me to learn from this situation and trust that He will be faithful to answer.

     "Maybe not today," she said, "but maybe tomorrow or a few days from now. Something will happen or you'll read a verse of scripture and it will just make sense." Hmm....funny she should say that. A few days later when I picked up my bible this is what I read: For in hope we have been saved, but hope that is seen is not hope; for who hopes for what he already sees? But if we hope for what we do not see, with perseverance we wait eagerly for it. (Romans 8:24-25)

     And then, as she had said, it all made sense. The Lord had never once left my side during that time, He was simply allowing me to grow. He was strengthening my faith. I am certain beyond a shadow of a doubt that if I had come too close to the edge He would have reached out and grabbed me. But that's the amazing thing about our Lord. He already knows! He already knew how that was going to play out and He planned it that way. The enemy had an attack planned for that day but Jesus had it planned for my good and His glory.

     The other day I caught myself in something I said to Ephraim. He found a water bottle that had been left out in one of the diaper bags. Of course he wanted to have a sip but I, being the protective mother, did not want to give that one to him because I didn't know if it had been left in the heat at any point in time. (Still not really sure whether that's an urban legend or not but, hey, better safe than sorry.) So I took the water bottle from him, planning to give him a nice cold and fresh water from the fridge, and sure enough he began to cry. "Have patience," I said to him, "I'm going to give you water, just not this water because I have something better for you." Wow. How many times has the Lord said that to me when I complained because I didn't get what I wanted immediately??

     Thank you, Lord, for your patience and slowness to anger with me. Thank you for knowing and giving me exactly what I need instead of what I want. Amen.

    

The Kingdom of Heaven Belongs to Such as These

     Last night at dinner, my husband and I stared at each other in shocked amusement as Ephie reached his little hand carefree-as-could-be over the macaroni and cheese my husband was offering him and helped himself to a few choice French fries instead. He didn't even look up as if to say, "Is this ok?" as he shoveled them into his little button mouth. Eyebrows raised, my husband and I could only gape at him as we wondered whether to laugh or scold him.

We chose neither and continued on with our dinner after exchanging surprised smirks. However, I couldn't help but wonder at the trust of this child. With total ease and complete faith he simply took what his little heart desired and, in all innocence and humility, what he knew his father would not deny him. "Wow!" I thought. "This must be how our Heavenly Father desires us to come to Him."  

  

Ephraim wanted that French fry and he just instinctively knew in his little heart that his father would not deny him that joy. I believe this is how we are to approach the Lord - total and complete trust that He loves us and wants to bless us. When we approach the Lord hesitantly with our prayers, it can become a slippery slope right down to doubting His goodness. I have experienced this many times and I can tell you from experience, it is the crack in the door the enemy longs for. A very good friend recently reminded me of the oldest trick in the book (and I mean LITERALLY the oldest trick in the book). Back in the day when Adam and Eve were hanging out and living life in the beautiful sanctuary of Eden, satan came along and used doubt to trick Eve into disobeying God. We all know the rest of that story!

Now, am I saying that we should just expect the Lord to give us whatever we want, whenever we want it? Absolutely not! If God always just gave us whatever we wanted, wouldn't He be harming us instead of helping us most of the time? If your child said he wanted to go up to the roof of the house and jump off because he wanted to fly would you let him? In the same way we, as children of God, do not always know what is good or right (or even safe) for ourselves. So, while we cannot expect to get every little thing we desire in our hearts (because God is merciful and loving) we ought to approach Him always expecting His goodness. That even if we do not receive what we have prayed for we can know it is for our own good and because HE LOVE US! 

I am quite certain if my husband had told Ephraim, "No, you can have the macaroni I am offering you instead of the French fry" Ephraim, being the child he is, would have been just fine with that. Why? Because he knows who his father is. No matter what happens in his tiny world, he knows without a doubt his father (or mother) will be there to protect and shelter him. He trusts his father wholly and completely because he has never known not to. He may not always like our decisions as parents but he will always (sometimes kicking and screaming) follow us. This is what Jesus was talking about when he told his disciples "Let the children alone, and do not hinder them from coming to Me; for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these.”

"For the mountains may be removed and the hills may shake,

But My lovingkindness will not be removed from you,

And My covenant of peace will not be shaken"

Says the Lord who has compassion on you.

Isaiah 54:10

Trust

     So, I'm picking up where I left off a few months back in One Thousand Gifts and it is a wonder of a blessing! I am reminded that giving thanks is the way to truly experience the joy the Lord has set before us. Giving thanks in all circumstances (even when it's hard and every fiber of my being is screaming against it and it feels all mechanical and awkward) is the only way to see the blessings, yes even the face, of God in all. To feel His presence even when I can't feel His presence.  

  So, I had a "light bulb" moment. Ann says, "Do I hold worry close as this ruse of control, this pretense that I'm the one who will determine the course of events, as I stir and churn and ruminate?" (Emphasis added.) I read that and it was like coming out of a deep cave into the sunlight after days of darkness. Every day I walk around subconsciously believing I am the one controlling my destiny. How quickly I forget! Sometime ago I gave my heart to Jesus and, in doing so, relinquished all control to Him. 

    Him, the Creator of huge galaxies and tiny microbes. Him, who had all the days of my life written in His book before I was even born. So why, as Ann puts it, the "spiritual Alzheimer's"? Why do I so easily, almost eagerly, forget that it is not I - but He - who is control of my destiny? The author speaks of the hard eucharisteo and the struggle to give thanks in all circumstances. I totally get it. But for me, the light came on when I read that sentence about "the pretense that I am the one who determines the course of events" (chapter 8, pg. 143). It is this very idea that has been allowing the weeds of doubt, fear, and anxiety slip in silently and choke out the beautiful blooms of trust, confidence, and passion for the Lord. When I buy into the idea that I must control everything (from finances to career to relationships) all on my own, it's no wonder I would be stricken with panic! It's only when I understand that He is the One who determines the course of all events that I can truly see and, as Paul urges the Thessalonians, give thanks in all circumstances.

If all His ways are good then I don't need to worry about our waning bank account or when my children are being tiny terrorists or when there's an unexpected problem with the car because I know it's all a part of His plan. And I can know for a fact that His plan was written with my good in mind for, "We know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose" (Romans 8:28). So why do I regularly insist on grabbing hold of that fear and pulling it to myself as if my next breath were coming from it? I lay it down at my Savior's feet only to quickly steal it back again in that first moment of uncertainty.  

 

Isn't it a painfully simple matter of trust? Isn't that what all my angst, guilt, worry, irritation, and ungratefulness boils down to? When I am afraid that we will not be able to pay the bills I am saying that I don't trust the Lord to provide. If I don't trust that He will provide I am saying I don't trust that He loves me enough to provide. If I don't trust in His unfailing, unending, undeserved love for me I am saying I don't trust in His goodness. If I don't trust in His goodness, what else - on all this earth - is there? For, "Whom have I in heaven but You?" (Psalm 73:25) 

 

 Trusting in His goodness. Isn't that what being a Christian is all about? Loving and trusting in God because I know, without doubt, that all His ways are good? Yes, I am to worship and fear Him because He is the Lord of Lords, creator of heaven and earth. But my love for Him, the yearning to walk every day with Him, my most intimate and personal relationship with Him should flow because of His kindness, faithfulness, gentleness compassion, and perfect love. Isn't this the reason He graciously gave us free will? I know if my children only "loved" me because I commanded them to and could somehow force them to, it would certainly be a love lacking. It would not be true love at all! If we do not see the value in forced "love" from our children why would the most perfect Father of all want this from His children? 

Dear Lord, thank you for reminding me not only who You are, but who I am in You. Thank you for teaching me that the only way to experience the closeness I long for with You is to trust in Your goodness, faithfulness, and love. Not as the world trusts but as a little child trusts his parent. Thank you also for loving my praise and thanksgivings and reminding me to give them constantly in order that I may have the grateful and humble heart I desire and You command! 

"Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, in everything give thanks, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus"  1 Thessalonians 5:16-18