Hope and Patience

     Well it has been SUPER long since I last wrote and so I decided it was time. The Lord is being faithful (as always) to lead me into a deeper and stronger connection with Him and I feel that I need to write it down.

     The other day I was (I believe) under attack from the enemy. I didn't realize it while in the thick of it but later that day I just had this picture in my mind of all these thoughts bombarding and attacking me like little mini kamikaze planes at my head. It was weird but He knew it was exactly the picture I needed to make sense of it. Anyway, I was calling out to Jesus because I knew these thoughts were not only wrong but also not my own. However, I kept thinking that He was ignoring me. As much as I pleaded with Him for help He just stayed silent! I knew even this thought was wrong but couldn't shake it. Yep. I was being driven and pushed around by my emotions. Oh, how I am growing to dislike that word.

     I talked to a very dear friend and mentor later and she really helped me. She said to speak the Word (out loud!) in those moments when I am being attacked and keep speaking it.

     "Even if I don't believe it right then?" I said.

     "Absolutely!" she said. "You don't believe it because you don't feel it." Doesn't make His word any less true. What then? If some did not believe, their unbelief will not nullify the faithfulness of God, will it? (Romans 3:3) She also said to ask God what He wanted me to learn from this situation and trust that He will be faithful to answer.

     "Maybe not today," she said, "but maybe tomorrow or a few days from now. Something will happen or you'll read a verse of scripture and it will just make sense." Hmm....funny she should say that. A few days later when I picked up my bible this is what I read: For in hope we have been saved, but hope that is seen is not hope; for who hopes for what he already sees? But if we hope for what we do not see, with perseverance we wait eagerly for it. (Romans 8:24-25)

     And then, as she had said, it all made sense. The Lord had never once left my side during that time, He was simply allowing me to grow. He was strengthening my faith. I am certain beyond a shadow of a doubt that if I had come too close to the edge He would have reached out and grabbed me. But that's the amazing thing about our Lord. He already knows! He already knew how that was going to play out and He planned it that way. The enemy had an attack planned for that day but Jesus had it planned for my good and His glory.

     The other day I caught myself in something I said to Ephraim. He found a water bottle that had been left out in one of the diaper bags. Of course he wanted to have a sip but I, being the protective mother, did not want to give that one to him because I didn't know if it had been left in the heat at any point in time. (Still not really sure whether that's an urban legend or not but, hey, better safe than sorry.) So I took the water bottle from him, planning to give him a nice cold and fresh water from the fridge, and sure enough he began to cry. "Have patience," I said to him, "I'm going to give you water, just not this water because I have something better for you." Wow. How many times has the Lord said that to me when I complained because I didn't get what I wanted immediately??

     Thank you, Lord, for your patience and slowness to anger with me. Thank you for knowing and giving me exactly what I need instead of what I want. Amen.